DIY: ripped jeans

I wanted some ripped jeans, but A) I can never seem to find any I like, B) if I manage to find some I like, they never fit, and C) I feel like paying for jeans with holes in, is a rip off (literally). The other day I bought some new black jeans as my other ones were a bit on the faded side, so I decided I would make my old black jeans into ripped jeans. If you want to learn how to make your own ripped jeans, then I will warn you – this is no comprehensive guide. In fact, this probably more of a description of how not to do it.

But, I was pretty sure this was a good idea, because it’s thrifty, I could have them exactly how I wanted them and they would be one of a kind, and I really like wearing and having things that no one else has. Making my own ripped jeans – what could go wrong?

I had no idea how to go about this, so instead of looking it up or watching a helpful Youtube video on the matter, I decided to go straight in with it and “use the force”. I thought about using scissors to do it, but I decided a Stanley knife would probably be easier and work better. My thinking on this was that I would end up with strange angled, and very straight slices on my jeans, and I wanted more of a “rough” look.

Original jeans

I got up a photo of some ripped jeans I liked the look of and used that as a reference, and I just started attacking my legs with a Stanley knife (clearly safety was not a concern for me). I started off with the rip on my right knee. I pinched the fabric so I didn’t slice my kneecap off, and punctured the fabric with the Stanley knife. I widened the rip so it was nearly reaching the seams, but not quite. I wanted the hole to be quite big and to have a fair bit of knee on show (oioi), so I made another puncture a couple of cm down and extended that until it met up with the sides of the previous rip. I kept doing this until the hole was big enough and basically my entire right knee was out.

Next, I did the rip on my left thigh; making sure it was in the right place, I pinched the fabric and made the incision. At this point, I got a little bit more nervous about actually hacking into my flesh and puncturing a vital blood vessel, but that still didn’t stop me. I informed a few mates that I was doing risky things with knives (just in case the worst case to the worst, they would at least know what happened and would be able to tell my parents it wasn’t intentional) and I felt a bit better. I kept widening the rip until I had achieved the desired size, and I moved on to the next rip.

The next one was the top of my right thigh, and I repeated the process. I then decided I wanted to be pure gansta and make a rip where the front pocket on my left thigh was, so I could be super cool and have the pocket lining poking out the hole. This needed a much bigger hole than I had ever thought (turns out there is quite a lot of pocket). I took it a little bit too far, and now I need to be a bit careful about which pants I wear – because if I wear my Bridget Jones knickers you will be able to see them through the pocket hole… But no matter, I shall wear uncomfortable pants, because I am told fashion hurts. And I am a fashionista to the core (I’m not).

I decided I needed a bit of hole action in the shin area, because it was all looking a bit smart below the knee, so I poked some holes (very haphazardly) in the shin area. I had to take off my jeans to do this, because there was no way I could poke holes with a knife without poking holes in myself. I expanded the holes a bit and made sure they looked nice and rough. Perfect!

I made some more small holes on the back of my right calf, because I always think ripped jeans look insane when they are perfectly preserved at the back. It looks like whatever caused the rips at the front just didn’t bother to scuff up the back. Like, you got mauled by a bear and at no point did it come into contact with the back of your jeans? I think not. Anyway, I did another rip on the back of my right leg in the thigh area, about half way between my knee and my butt.

I thought I would go all out and make these super saucy jeans (no ketchup, just sauce), and make a rip pretty close to my right butt crease. It’s not high enough up so you can actually see right butt crease, but it’s closer than not close at all.

I’m not going to lie, I am pretty damn pleased with how these turned out. I had visions of accidentally ripping too much, and ending up with a strange pair of shorts. Or one normal leg and one really short leg. Yeah, I probably should have done a bit of research before I started, but I was confident in just going for it. This was probably down to these jeans being super old, and the fact that they would have ended up in the bin anyway, so if it went horribly wrong, it didn’t really matter. I almost think that if I had thought about it too much, it probably would have been a whole lot worse, and I took it slowly, so it was fine.

My top tips for making your own ripped jeans:

  • Have a photo you can copy
  • Make small rips at first – you can always make them bigger but you can’t make them smaller
  • Add some rips to the back so they look a bit more original

I am looking forward to wearing these – I think I am going to team them with my new burgundy fishnet tights. So, I will probably look like a very festive prostitute (ho ho ho), but equally I don’t care, because I have my very own ripped jeans, and you do not. Please, refer to me as the new Alexander Mcqueen from now on, as I am pure fashion and sooooooo extra (not).

Alex

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Party and wallpaper paste 

My best friend Claire has been planning a surprise birthday party for her parent’s 30th wedding anniversary. Over the past few months, our garage has been filling up with things she needed to hide from them and it has taken all my strength not to crack open the case of prosecco that has been living with us. All my strength. Claire and her boyf Pete came round to collect everything the other day, and I have to say, I was sad to see the prosecco go, but I’m sure I will cope with the loss.

Anyway, they popped round to collect everything and stuck their heads in to say hi to my dad who was decorating the living room. Claire made the mistake of asking why my dad (Les) was using ready-mixed wallpaper paste. The exchange goes something like this:

C: Les, why on earth are you using ready-mixed wallpaper paste?

L: Claire, do not even speak to me about the wallpaper paste

C: Christ Les, what on earth happened?

L: well, I bought some paste to mix up myself. I mixed it up as I usually do and hung the wallpaper just like I usually do. I’ve been mixing wallpaper paste for decades and never had a problem. But I come downstairs the next day and bastard wallpaper has fallen off the wall!

C: Did you use too much water?

L: [after giving Claire the eye] I had never experienced such a thing before, so I rang up Solvite to talk to them about it. The lady on the end of the phone suggested I may be using a contaminated bucket. So I went to the shop and purchased myself a new bucket for the steep price of £1.02. Just in case I had mixed it wrong, I read the back of the packet and mixed it as per the instructions. Then I set about steaming off the paper that hadn’t quite fallen off, at which point the bloody plaster fell off the wall, leaving a great big hole.

C: That’s an added aggravation for sure

L: Indeed. But, I set about hanging the wallpaper for the second time, with the freshly mixed paste. Everything seemed to go well and I was pleased with the result. Until I came down the next day and the BLOODY WALLPAPER HAD FALLEN OFF AGAIN! In a fit of rage and despair I went to Homebase and bought some ready-mixed wallpaper paste. So do not ever, EVER ask me about wallpaper paste.

C: it must have been a dud batch

B: told you not to ask him about the wallpaper paste

 

After this exchange that had left Pete with a look of horror on his face and enough ammunition for wallpaper related nightmares for the rest of his life, they left to carry on setting up the party. It is now the evening of the party and I am running late because it took forever to get out of London and back home. I race in and thunder up the stairs to get ready. In 15 minutes I have showered, put on some makeup and got myself dressed – I think that must be a world record for the fastest time ever to get ready for a formal do.


The look: I’m wearing a pale/mint green strapless dress from New Look which I got in the sale and I pair of silver shoes and a matching clutch bag. The makeup is minimal, and all I have on is a light layer of foundation, a bit of eye shadow, mascara and a hint of eyebrow. I’ve had my hair in a bun all day so it is nicely curly, and all I do it sweep it over my shoulder and put a couple of pins in it.

From the front
From the back

I make it to the party about 9pm and I’ve just missed the food (killer!) so, after greeting everyone I hang around in the kitchen and pester the caterers for some leftovers. I shove a couple of lamb and chicken skewers down the hatch in a gannet-esque way, top up with my glass with prosecco and make my way back out to mingle.  I sink another couple of glasses of prosecco in quick succession, seeing as it’s free, and spy Pete’s dad. Last time I had met Pete’s dad we were rather worse for wear at the army vs navy rugby in Twickenham, so I made my way over to him and his wife to strike up some conversation.

And strike up conversation we did. We always have major laughs together, myself and Paul, and Helen was quite the third wheel during proceedings. Until a man that I had never met before came over to pay me a compliment. Unfortunately he was no handsome young millionaire man. In fact, he looked like one of the house boat people, and by that, I mean he had that grimey look about him that told me he didn’t like to waste water washing. He had teamed a fetching Berghaus fleece with a pair of shorts, boat shoes and a rather eye catching pair of orange over the ankle socks. But, he did say I looked gorgeous, so I’ll take it – whatever the sock situation.

End of the night slow dance

All of a sudden everyone had disappeared around us and Claire’s dad was serving me a voddy, lime and soda which was particularly heavy on the voddy. I was feeling fine though and we packed everything up and Claire dropped me home. It was at this point that I became drunk. I had to wobbled up the stairs to my room and Gail greeted me at the top of the stairs. She asked me if I was alright, to which I replied “I don’t think I’m not” and then stumbled into my room.

Fave selfie of the eve

Obviously I thought it was a good idea to start messaging people at this point. Surprisingly my spelling was perfect (it wasn’t) and I was making total sense (I really wasn’t). This was like the moment I Wolf of Wall Street where Leo’s character Jordan thinks he has driven the car home fine when in fact he has smashed it up, leaving a trail of destruction around him. Clearly my misspellings aren’t quite as dramatic as that drug fuelled carnage, but they are funny nonetheless.

I also managed to take a few horrifying selfies when I was under the influence. Clearly I was thinking I was Kate Moss or something. Kate, I certainly am not. Not even slightly. Horrifying.

Exhibit A
Exhibit B

Bonnie

Hair today, gone tomorrow

I finally got my hair cut tonight!!! It has been months and months and months since I last had it cut and it had got soooooooo long. Considering the length of time it’s been since I last had it done, it didn’t look that bad. I don’t know how I kept managing to miss the family hair appointments, but I just never seemed to be around.

Anyway, I have had a few inches off now and I feel so much lighter. I swear it was starting to give me neck ache because it weighed so much. At least I will be nice and light for my holiday and I won’t have to pay excess baggage for my weighty hair on the flight. I’ve got attached to having it so long, and I started getting a bit panicky when it was coming up to the chop. Thankfully my hairdresser is all for my hair being long, and together we have decided we will grow it down to my bum. I’m not sure exactly how we as a pair are going to encourage it, but I am sure we will find a way. Oh how I LOVE Sam the hairdresser – he always knows exactly the right thing to say.


After our usual gossip about the various dates we have been on since our last encounter (he’s been having the same amount of luck as me – AKA none), he set to work. I now have my layers back and it looks so much more neat and tidy than it was, and all those nasty split ends have gone. I went for a pretty sleek blow dry, with a bit of movement at the ends. I never ever dry my hair, so this is always such a treat for me. I don’t dry my hair for a a couple of reasons. One, because I am super lazy and it takes forever to dry because it is so thick, and I really can’t be arsed to spend the time on it. And two, I don’t want to end up as one of those people whose hair snaps off because they have damaged it so much. Ick. That is one of my worst fears and it haunts my dreams.


It was actually just really nice to sit and chill for half an hour. Not thinking about work, not thinking about all the stuff I have to do and not worrying about anything. I’m feeling really stressed out at the moment and it was nice to shut my brain off for a bit.


Bonnie

First Date Makeup Tips

Having nightmares about first date makeup? Don’t we all! We’ve all been there. We all know how difficult it can be to decide on an outfit and makeup when you are meeting someone for the first time. So I’m going to tell you exactly what I do makeup-wise just in case it helps you. It might not help you, but if it does then yay!! We are on for a winner.

So having been on a fair few first dates in recent times I have honed my first date makeup ‘look’ and I now refuse to stray from this. Having made the decision on what you are going to do with your face before-hand takes a tonne of stress away from what is a classically worrisome situation and a bit of an ordeal. When I first started going on dates I always wore a full face of makeup and made sure I was done up. But after one particular date where my right false eyelash released itself from my lash-line, fluttered momentarily in the breeze and then unceremoniously dropped into my vodka, lime and soda, I thought ‘no more’. You can’t explain that away.

The more product, the more panic

So now I keep it really simple and I only put 4 makeup products onto my face for a date. I know that sounds minimal (because it is) but trust me on this one. The chosen products are as follows:

  • Benefit ‘They’re Real’ mascara
  • The Body Shop ‘All-in-one face base’ (pressed powder)
  • ‘Rosy Lips’ tinted Vaseline
  • Sleek brow kit


I know, you think I’m mad don’t you? But I promise I’m not and you should trust me on this one, and here’s why…

When I’m on a date I don’t want to spend the entire time worrying about my face. I don’t want to have to go to the bathroom to check my makeup and I certainly do not want to re-apply at any point. I don’t want to concern myself with my concealer cracking. I don’t want to fret about foundation. I don’t want to lose sleep over lipstick. All I want to do is spend my time getting to know this new person with as little worry as possible.

I’ll describe my routine to you:

  1. Wash face to remove general day grime
  2. Exfoliate to reveal fresh layer of smooth skin (I use St Ives face scrub)
  3. Apply moisturiser so face doesn’t look scaly (I use Simple rich moisturiser)
  4. Take the sheen off face with pressed powder
  5. Do a ‘minimalist’ brow with just powder (I find if I use the brow wax as well they look too ‘done’ for this)
  6. Apply a sweep of mascara to top and bottom lashes
  7. Achieve pouty, kissable lips by smearing tinted Vaseline upon them

That’s it. That is all. Finito.

I don’t know about you, but if I wear a full face of foundation I find it really highlights any imperfections in my skin and draws attention to any breakouts or problem areas. I also find that if I wear too much mascara it starts to smudge under my eyes and I start to look more panda than pretty, and if I wear a colourful lipstick, I somehow always manage to end up with some of it not on my lips (like on my chin or something). So why do it to yourself? Why cause yourself additional stress?

Another reason I go for such a minimalist look is because I think your date should be able to see what you look like. They aren’t going to ask you out on a date if they aren’t attracted to you, so why worry about it when you know they already think you are nice to look at? We all know that most guys don’t understand makeup anyway and when asked in these polls and questionnaires they are always saying they prefer a girl that wears less makeup. So ditch the slap and show off your beautiful faces I say. If you take one thing from this, let it be to keep it simple. Don’t worry, don’t obsess. I don’t have perfect skin (far from it in fact) and I have exactly the same worries as everyone else has on a first date. So just rid yourself of the makeup worries so you have time for the real worries, like whether you should admit your addiction to Peep Show on the first date or not.

Of course, if your date has only ever seen photos of you with a Snapchat filter applied you are completely fucked and you will need to fashion yourself a pair of furry ears and transplant a blemish free face onto your own. Or just make sure your date is somewhere dark, like in a cave, which is where you should be anyway in my opinion if you use the dog Snapchat filter.

Bonnie 

First date look ft. Sultry pout

Followed by normal face…